I have so much and so little to say. I've been wanting to write about some of the movies I have seen, but haven't made the time. This week was fairly low key and the details are sure to bore.
I'm pretty mixed up in the head. My time here is coming to a rapid close. I can't wait to not have to battle the sound of the kids in the morning while I sleep. Yet I know that I will miss the children when I am gone. I know that I have disliked my job all along. Again last night, I only made it through by thinking it was all almost over. Yet I was getting a bit better and the money was good. I've met nice people, and it feels weird to walk away.
I haven't tried as hard here as I could have. But I have been dealing with a lot of hard changes, and I've done my best. If I was actually moving to Chicago, it'd probably take a year to find the job I wanted, the apartment I wanted and the friends I wanted. That's normal. But even though staying here was never the plan, I regret not having seen more and met more people.
I had a difficult but wonderful lunch with one of my college best friends yesterday. Wonderful to see her and have someone to talk to. But she made me think about a lot of things too. What DO I want? Do I want to live in another country? Or do I just want a new scene? I do like the career I was in, but should I continue with it now or continue with this adventure?
I feel really disgusted with myself actually. Why do I make everything so difficult? Why do I feel everthing so sharply and agonize over it so? I wish I was a more simple person. Not that I can't enjoy life's simple pleasures, but I also tend to seek out more. Is that a good or a bad thing? I wish I was a person who could get up in the morning and go to work and do her thing. Come home and stay in or go out and be content with it.
Content. That's the word. Or the goal. It's not always a matter of being unhappy. There are too many joys in the world for that. But being content for any length of time - that's different, isn't it?
I just can't seem to deal with the fact that no one is going to come down from the clouds and say, "Kristen, this is what you need to do." Or, "You ARE on the right path." Just like everyone else in the world, I have no one but myself to make a final decision. I need to get better (A LOT better) at making decisions and not looking back. Now, I analyze every detail and make myself miserable. It's no one's fault but my own and I know it.
But somehow, I need to keep moving forward don't I?
Posted by kristen at November 13, 2005 04:31 PM